Criticism vs. Complaint - how to be heard

There are two ways we share our concern. Complaint is a productive way which includes sharing only the specific action that is bothering you. With complaints there is no attack, but a direct focus on the actual problem. Complaints are about a person's behavior, a specific thing, time, and place. 

The second way we share our concern, which is less productive, is called criticism. This occurs when we make a global statement about the person who you feel wronged you.  Criticism is a destructive global attack on a person's personality, childhood, history, or character. 

If you are using criticism, you will likely be met with defensiveness because you are making a statement that can’t be proven, and can be referring to a number of situations that neither of you truly remember and is not specific. The words are often seen and felt as an out-of-control, angry insult. When you use criticism, what your partner is hearing is “You are a bad human”. You will instantly be met with anger, retaliation and a need to defend.  I am sure you have heard phrases such as “you always do this, or you never do that, or you do this all the time”.  these types of statements are  generalized and cannot be truly discussed. They will lead the conversation down many rabbit holes that are very separate from the goal you are trying to achieve in that moment and move you away from your intended goal.  

example of criticism:

“You left the dishes in the sink. you always do this. you are a slob. How am I supposed to find anything with the mess you leave in the house."

Imagine someone said this to you.  How would you respond?  Here is a better option using complaint…

“You left the dishes in the sink. This makes me feel frustrated because I need to use the sink soon.  Can you please remove the dishes from the sink.”

In this example you are being direct and to the point about what you want in the moment.  You are letting the other person know how you feel about the situation and what you need. The best way for others to hear what you are wanting is when you share with them what you are feeling about the situation. Sharing how you feel connects someone to the emotion you are experiencing and often leads them to want to help you with your need.  Sharing your emotion does not mean crying or acting wounded, but a direct verbiage stated in a calm manner of how you are feeling. 

I want you to get what you want! By using complaint instead of criticism you don't have to work as hard to get what you want and you maintain a good relationship with your partner in the process.  

Warmly, Lisa